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BILLY P. Wanted for Living a Life of Slide
Billy P.'s Great-Grandfather was an undertaker. His Grandfather was an undertaker. His Father was an undertaker. And today, he'd really rather be an undertaker. But he was destined to become a Billy Boy when his enthusiastic apprenticeship in the Funeral Arts was cut short because Billy P. had a tendency to bury people who were not yet dead. His actions may appear ghoulish, but as he stated in court, he confused their struggles with the post-mortem muscle contractions he had read about in his Mortuary Science textbooks. However, the damage had been done. Ostracized, he sought comfort playing lone slide guitar in the resonant back rooms of the family funeral home. Rumor around town had it that he would, on full moons, play slide with a discarded femur. This has neither been confirmed nor disproved. |
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BILLY D. Wanted for Reckless Lyrics & Leading an Outlaw Band
Billy D. is a retired bounty hunter and the acting sheriff of Elmira, population 12,000, give or take, where his administration is both revered and riddled with scandal. He is proud to be the only elected official within the ranks of the Billy Boys, although there was no ballot per se, and the badge passed hands during a drunken card game in the Elmira jail house. Not wishing to lose his title by a similar means, Billy D. hasn't touched alcohol since. The town of Elmira enjoys one of the lowest crime rates in the nation, as its citizens are afraid to report crime. Billy D.'s latest appointment to his department of justice ("just desserts" as he calls it) was a Miss Kitty O'Callahan, his administrative assistant. The job description included the curious phrase "administer to his needs." The taxpayers of Elmira have requested that Billy D. divulge the nature of said position. This request has been met with silence. |
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BILLY C. Wanted for Dangerous Mandolin Rustling
Billy C. never knew what a cow looked like until he stole the wrong car and was sent to the Happy Trails ranch program for juvenile repeat offenders. It was there that he embraced rural life and embarked on a new career stealing cattle. As fate would have it, Billy C. was eventually apprehended by none other than Billy D., who was interested in the substantial bounty. In a rare moment of compassion, Billy D. decided to take in the wayward youth. In a more common moment of opportunism, he figured he could get Billy C. to do his dirty work in locating other criminals with a price on their heads. So Billy D. struck a deal with local authorities that made him the official custodian of Billy C. Billy C. has since forgiven Billy D. for nearly sending him up the river, or so Billy D. thinks. Today, they both serve the law -- where and when it serves them. |
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BILLY W. Guilty of Hanging with the Wrong Sort
Billy W. was in the wrong place at the wrong time and became a musician. A once upstanding (actually slightly slouched) member of a chain-gang, prosecuted for a crime he didn't commit -- at least not THAT many times -- Billy W. endured endless days of labor by singing his favorite hymns. One fine day, Billy D., Billy P. and Billy C. were driving by Billy W.'s road crew in a stolen chicken truck. The next thing they knew, Billy W., shackles and all, had jumped in the back among the crates of chickens. Fearful that the commotion of the frightened hens would attract the attention of the chain-gang guards, Billy D. took aim through the back window and shot Billy W. As the shot echoed out amongst the hills, the Billy Boys and their unconscious stowaway put the pedal to the metal. Once in the safety of the hills, they decided to adopt the now coherent yet still bleeding Billy W. They had gained a bass player, but had somehow lost five chickens in the process. |
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BILLY K. Wanted for Fiddling with Deadly Force
Billy W., Billy D., Billy P. and Billy C. had stepped into a saloon to slake their thirst when they noticed a lively poker game taking place by the piano. A Hawaiian cowboy with a pony-tail seemed to be holding all the cards, as it were, and was loudly accused of cheating. Well, before a single Billy Boy could fall off a barstool, two hombres were out cold on the floor and the Hawaiian cowboy was stuffing his winnings into what appeared to be a fiddle case. Turns out, Billy K. is not only fast with his hands, he's the fastest fiddler in the West. Since Billy D. is sworn to serve the law (when and where it serves him), he gave Billy K. an ultimatum: go to jail or join the Billy Boys. Sometimes Billy K. wishes he had chosen jail. |